I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
