We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
