We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
