I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
