walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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