its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
