my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
