i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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