Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
