everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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