I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
