dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
