FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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