The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
