We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
