I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
