I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize