I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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