Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
