His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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