Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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