I bet he comes in French.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
