All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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