yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize