I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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