The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
