on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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