i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
