Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
