I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's shark week go big or go home
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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