I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize