hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
