just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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