Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
