his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
