Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
