I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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