I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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