I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
