who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize