mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize