when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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