Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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