You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
