so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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