my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
