The maid of honor just puked.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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