He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
