When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
