When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
