Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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