I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
