Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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