Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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