just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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