Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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