I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
